Dark Water

The widest part of the St. Johns River meanders north through downtown Jacksonville. Along the way, it drinks from the springs, lakes and tributaries of southeast Florida and feeds off swamps and marshes that nourish the tannic dark water. From southern Duval where the river enters the city, the dark water is a thick and musky tea steeped in the roots of giant cypress, sable palm and Sweetbay that line its shores. Despite the dark color, the cool water has a clean fresh smell.


The river flows slowly here. The grey moss covers the trees along the banks wave in the Florida breeze. People wave to you from their docks as you move with the river. It is a slow friendly part of the river; moving north towards its destiny.

At the end of the river, in Mayport, the animals come in from the ocean to spawn in the rich estuaries of the Timucuan Preserve. The estuary is a vast marshland beaming with life. The shallow well-protected waters allow fish to procreate in safety while providing water rich in nourishment for their offspring.

Kestrel, osprey, eagles, spoonbills and hawks steal the fish out of the water. Blue Herron, egrets, cranes, avocets and stilts dig in the shallow water for fish and oysters. Hard-shelled mollusks thrive where the river greets the ocean. In this part of the world, ancient people built societies around oysters.

Between these two extremes is where life gets interesting. Downtown the river is home to sea life that can live in both salt and fresh water. The river ebbs and flows with the tides. Manatees and dolphins visit downtown Jacksonville. The waters and the animals mix to make a beautiful thriving heritage river right in the heart of downtown, all in Duval County, all in Jacksonville. The people of Jacksonville value their river and the diversity of its waters. Much like the water life, the life on land is a rich mix of diversity. Thriving people who just like the river have lost lives to extinction.

Artistic Memories

When I was a kid, this painting was in the family room over the fish tank. It's the Hay Wain by John Constable, which I discovered as an adult. I remember it fondly and spent hours looking at it.

I thought of it when I was having a conversation with my brother. Although our home life was undoubtedly harmonious, there are things we both recognize we have to contend with as adults. Everyone, whether their home life was good or not, feels there are deficiencies in their childhood. There is no fault associated with this feeling; our parents raised us with love and care. It is our different personalities wanting additional emotional reinforcements from our parents or at least from our siblings. I wish they had hugged me more, I wish they had talked to me more, etc....

Scott was asked interesting question recently. He was asked about the women in his life and how he felt about them. He immediately thought of our grandmother Memum and how independent and strong she was. Our grandfather died when she was 40 and she never dated again. He was the only man for her. And she began an independent life, working full time and getting her own place. Now at 95, she is an exemplary matriarch for our family. But the follow-up question to Scott's Memum answer was: But did you love her?

Did you love her? I began to think about this question. Did I love her? Seems so silly, of course I loved her, she is my Grandmother. But admiration is different than love. I have thought many times about how siblings, raised by the same parents and in the same house even, have such a different experience and memories. Not better or worse simply different.

Much Bettah

I had a nice date with my man last night! We went to see Sherlock Holmes. I imagine Russ would kick ass like that if he were so inclined; well, and not to old. We are looking forward to the time when we can have evenings to ourselves.

Dillan got his books and college supplies yesterday. It feels good to have him getting things going. I can't believe he is going to be the first Hays registered in college classes. Although Kayleigh and Brannon will get college credit for the environmental classes, so they count too! I am so proud of my kids.

I told Kayleigh the other day that I was proud of her choice in husband. Not only does Brannon fit in nicely with all our family, so does the rest of his family. His mother is very sweet and is brother Billy fits in with us and nicely as Brannon does. I am very content with my family life! Although I am getting older and ready to have an emptier house!

Melt Down

Despite my best effort to maintain peace of mind, I became particularly emotional on Sunday, to the point of a little mini-melt-down; tears and all. It was just too much.

The responsibility of three grown adults has been left to Russ and me. I know that it isn't going to last. Dillan starts college in February and Kayleigh and Brannon started their environmental hazard certificate class today. So things are happening and there is an end in sight. But occasionally the pressure of it all is difficult to handle.

I need some space to be alone and it isn't happening. I would prefer to have that time at home, but maybe I need to plan going out someplace. Russ and I could go to the beach and meditate. But right now it is effing cold! It was 23 degrees this morning. So I am not going to the beach anytime soon. Plus I am allowing smoking in the house because it is so cold. So the house smells of cigarettes, which I HATE! Maybe it is time for a change in order to maintain my peace of mind.

42 Months

Okay, so three and half years is a long time! But life is good.

I am totally in love with my hubby. I like both my kids and my son-in-law. All the kids start school soon. After having kids for most of our marriage, it would be nice to have time alone.

I have been spending time lately thinking about friendship. Since Andrea died two years ago I have been without my BFF. I miss having her in my life. I would like to have it again but I have such high expectations. I have to come to grips with the fact that no one will ever compare to our 30-year long friendship. I have not figured out why I need that in my life. I guess those are the things I need to work out first.

It's weird looking for a new relationship like this. I certainly wasn't thinking at 10-years-old that I was making a friend for life. It just happened that way. Now I am using logic and reason to select the proper friendship for my lifestyle. Is that even the right way to go about it? I do have several friends, but none are as close as Andrea and I were.

I am inclined to look for like-minded women, but Andrea and I were certainly not like-minded. She was an uber-christian and I am agnostic. She was much more conservative and I am extremely liberal. External appearance was very important to her and it is much less important to me. So obviously, like-mindedness is not the key. So what is?

Post Birthday

Had a great birthday yesterday. Got a little sun on my face from a relaxing couple of hours at the pool. Went to dinner and to see the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast. One of my fav Disney movies. Russ got me a great gift. I have been wanting a ruby and sapphire bracelet for some time now and no one makes them. I have looked everywhere. But I got one yesterday... actually I got two. They only way to get one was to purchase a ruby bracelet and purchase a sapphire bracelet and have the jeweler switch out the stones. One is white gold, the other yellow. You know I love choices! I am starting to kinda like this guy.

Smoke Pootwaddle Cigarettes for 30 Days

Only to discover a month has gone by.

Can't believe it's been over a month since my last posting. Life is going... well, it's going. Many things are good. Sold the house. Hubby quit his job and is attending college (radiation technology). I still love my job of course. Daughter is working her first job - lifeguard.

Other things are empty. But life goes on.