Artistic Memories

When I was a kid, this painting was in the family room over the fish tank. It's the Hay Wain by John Constable, which I discovered as an adult. I remember it fondly and spent hours looking at it.

I thought of it when I was having a conversation with my brother. Although our home life was undoubtedly harmonious, there are things we both recognize we have to contend with as adults. Everyone, whether their home life was good or not, feels there are deficiencies in their childhood. There is no fault associated with this feeling; our parents raised us with love and care. It is our different personalities wanting additional emotional reinforcements from our parents or at least from our siblings. I wish they had hugged me more, I wish they had talked to me more, etc....

Scott was asked interesting question recently. He was asked about the women in his life and how he felt about them. He immediately thought of our grandmother Memum and how independent and strong she was. Our grandfather died when she was 40 and she never dated again. He was the only man for her. And she began an independent life, working full time and getting her own place. Now at 95, she is an exemplary matriarch for our family. But the follow-up question to Scott's Memum answer was: But did you love her?

Did you love her? I began to think about this question. Did I love her? Seems so silly, of course I loved her, she is my Grandmother. But admiration is different than love. I have thought many times about how siblings, raised by the same parents and in the same house even, have such a different experience and memories. Not better or worse simply different.

Much Bettah

I had a nice date with my man last night! We went to see Sherlock Holmes. I imagine Russ would kick ass like that if he were so inclined; well, and not to old. We are looking forward to the time when we can have evenings to ourselves.

Dillan got his books and college supplies yesterday. It feels good to have him getting things going. I can't believe he is going to be the first Hays registered in college classes. Although Kayleigh and Brannon will get college credit for the environmental classes, so they count too! I am so proud of my kids.

I told Kayleigh the other day that I was proud of her choice in husband. Not only does Brannon fit in nicely with all our family, so does the rest of his family. His mother is very sweet and is brother Billy fits in with us and nicely as Brannon does. I am very content with my family life! Although I am getting older and ready to have an emptier house!

Melt Down

Despite my best effort to maintain peace of mind, I became particularly emotional on Sunday, to the point of a little mini-melt-down; tears and all. It was just too much.

The responsibility of three grown adults has been left to Russ and me. I know that it isn't going to last. Dillan starts college in February and Kayleigh and Brannon started their environmental hazard certificate class today. So things are happening and there is an end in sight. But occasionally the pressure of it all is difficult to handle.

I need some space to be alone and it isn't happening. I would prefer to have that time at home, but maybe I need to plan going out someplace. Russ and I could go to the beach and meditate. But right now it is effing cold! It was 23 degrees this morning. So I am not going to the beach anytime soon. Plus I am allowing smoking in the house because it is so cold. So the house smells of cigarettes, which I HATE! Maybe it is time for a change in order to maintain my peace of mind.

42 Months

Okay, so three and half years is a long time! But life is good.

I am totally in love with my hubby. I like both my kids and my son-in-law. All the kids start school soon. After having kids for most of our marriage, it would be nice to have time alone.

I have been spending time lately thinking about friendship. Since Andrea died two years ago I have been without my BFF. I miss having her in my life. I would like to have it again but I have such high expectations. I have to come to grips with the fact that no one will ever compare to our 30-year long friendship. I have not figured out why I need that in my life. I guess those are the things I need to work out first.

It's weird looking for a new relationship like this. I certainly wasn't thinking at 10-years-old that I was making a friend for life. It just happened that way. Now I am using logic and reason to select the proper friendship for my lifestyle. Is that even the right way to go about it? I do have several friends, but none are as close as Andrea and I were.

I am inclined to look for like-minded women, but Andrea and I were certainly not like-minded. She was an uber-christian and I am agnostic. She was much more conservative and I am extremely liberal. External appearance was very important to her and it is much less important to me. So obviously, like-mindedness is not the key. So what is?

Post Birthday

Had a great birthday yesterday. Got a little sun on my face from a relaxing couple of hours at the pool. Went to dinner and to see the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast. One of my fav Disney movies. Russ got me a great gift. I have been wanting a ruby and sapphire bracelet for some time now and no one makes them. I have looked everywhere. But I got one yesterday... actually I got two. They only way to get one was to purchase a ruby bracelet and purchase a sapphire bracelet and have the jeweler switch out the stones. One is white gold, the other yellow. You know I love choices! I am starting to kinda like this guy.

Smoke Pootwaddle Cigarettes for 30 Days

Only to discover a month has gone by.

Can't believe it's been over a month since my last posting. Life is going... well, it's going. Many things are good. Sold the house. Hubby quit his job and is attending college (radiation technology). I still love my job of course. Daughter is working her first job - lifeguard.

Other things are empty. But life goes on.

Feeling great on Friday.

I feel so great today. I just decided to let go of so much crap in my life and let things happen. There are a few things I know, and I trust myself to let my behaviors will reflect that knowing. Other than that, I am going to allow myself to laugh out loud, have fun in the sunshine and play in the rain. Life is good. I like me a whole lot today.

Whatever...

OK, so it's been like forever. Now I am in my own apartment, living on my own for the first time in my 37 years. Well, of course my kids are here half the time, but they are great people, so they are never a problem. I am spending the evening listening to NPR and relaxing. By the time anyone reads this, my hair color will have changed. It's my color, I paid for it! No going to the pool for a few days because of the rain, but geez do we need it. April showers and all, but we haven't had any, so no May flowers I guess. Not without doing my part to lower the water table. Time to call my brother! Tchuss.